Mentalizing: The Art of Seeing With More Than One Pair of Eyes
There are moments in life when we find ourselves stuck. We keep circling the same argument with our partner. We misread a colleague’s silence. We feel unseen, misunderstood, or quietly convinced that we already know exactly what the other person meant. And in those moments, something very human happens: our world becomes smaller.
We collapse into our own perspective. Our nervous system becomes more rigid. Our story starts to feel like the whole and only truth: they don’t care, they are are always judging me. I am alone in this.
But what if, instead of reacting immediately from that first story, we paused long enough to ask: What is happening inside me right now? And what might be happening inside them?
This pause is at the heart of mentalizing.
Mentalizing is the capacity to hold in mind both our own inner world and the possible inner world of another person. It means noticing our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, fears, and needs — while also staying curious about what may be happening in the other person. It is, in many ways, the art of seeing with more than one pair of eyes. Not only through my pain. Not only through your behavior. But through the wider, more complex, more human space between us.
When mentalizing is paired with empathy, it helps us step out of the narrow tunnel of my story is the only story and into a more connected way of being. It does not mean abandoning our own experience. It does not mean excusing harmful behavior or over-functioning emotionally for others. It means staying anchored in ourselves while remaining open to the possibility that there is more to understand.
When we are calm, safe, and connected, mentalizing may feel natural. We can reflect, stay curious, and imagine nuance. But when we are stressed, fustrated, overwhelmed, or deeply triggered, this capacity often collapses.
Instead of reflecting, we jump to conclusions.
Instead of asking, we assume.
Instead of staying open, we move into black-and-white thinking.
Instead of me and you, we fall into me against you.
This is often the moment when old schemas come alive.
The abandonment schema may whisper: They are leaving me.
The defectiveness schema may say: I am not good enough.
The mistrust schema may warn: They will hurt me.
The emotional deprivation schema may ache: No one will really be there for me.
And suddenly, we are no longer responding only to the situation in front of us. We are also responding to old emotional memories, unmet needs, and protective parts of us that learned long ago how to survive. This is why strengthening our capacity to mentalize is so important. The more we practice it, the more available it becomes — not only in easy conversations, but also in the moments when our nervous system wants to defend, attack, withdraw, or shut down.
Mentalizing begins with turning inward.
We ask ourselves:
What am I actually feeling?
What are the loudest thoughts that are running through my mind?
What is my body telling me?
What old wound or familiar pattern might be activated here?
This inner attention helps us create a little bit of space between the trigger and our response. It allows us to notice that our first interpretation may be understandable, but not necessarily complete.
From there, mentalizing expands outward.
We begin to wonder:
What might the other person be feeling?
What fears, longings, shames, pressures, or needs might be shaping their behavior?
Is there another possible explanation besides the one my mind immediately created?
Very important note here: this does not mean we know their truth. We cannot fully enter another person’s inner world. But we can approach it with humility and compassion.
We can notice the tone of their voice, the look in their eyes, the tension in their posture, the silence between words. We can listen not only to what is being said, but also to what may be emotionally present underneath.
And perhaps most importantly, mentalizing asks us to hold our interpretations lightly.
The story we create about another person’s experience may be only a small part of the whole truth. Human beings are complex. Often inconsistent. Sometimes messy. We can love and be afraid. We can withdraw and still care. We can sound cold and actually feel overwhelmed. We can look angry and underneath feel ashamed, lonely, or helpless.
Mentalizing allows space for this complexity.
Researchers describe different ways we mentalize. Sometimes it happens quickly and almost automatically, like sensing a friend’s sadness before they have spoken a word. Other times, it requires deliberate reflection — slowing down, breathing, and consciously asking what might be happening inside us and between us.
We can mentalize cognitively, through thought, perspective-taking, and reflection.
We can mentalize emotionally, by attuning to feelings and the atmosphere in the relationship.
We can mentalize inwardly, by becoming curious about ourselves.
And we can mentalize outwardly, by becoming curious about the other.
A healthy balance of these forms helps us stay both grounded and connected. Too much focus on the other, and we may abandon ourselves. Too much focus on ourselves, and we may lose sight of the other person’s humanity. Too much thinking, and we may become detached from emotion. Too much emotion, and we may lose reflection.
The practice is not perfection. The practice is returning. Returning to curiosity. Returning to compassion. Returning to the possibility that there is more here than my first reaction can see.
When we weave together self-reflection, perspective-taking, emotional attunement, and humility about our own certainty, mentalizing becomes more than a psychological skill. It becomes a relational practice. A way of softening the edges of conflict. A way of interrupting old survival patterns. A way of choosing connection over automatic reactivity.
It does not mean we always get it right. But it keeps us open. And in that openness, something important becomes possible: understanding, repair, and growth.
Additional Resources
These carefully selected resources offer valuable insights into understanding and managing emotions, anxiety, and stress. They are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional advice.
The Power of Mentalizing: An Introductory Guide on Mentalizing, Attachment, and Epistemic Trust for Mental Health Care Workers by Prof Joost Hutsebaut , Ms Liesbet Nijssens , Ms Miriam van Vessem
Complexity of mentalization, by Zlatoslav Arabadzhiev Rositsa Paunova article published in Front. Psychol., 29 February 2024 : link.
Written by Andreia Lungulescu, psychological counsellor, coach, and Heilpraktikerin für Psychotherapie based in Munich. Find out more, or contact me directly for a session.
